A Whole New World
When you read “A Whole New World” you think about Aladdin and Jasmine on this beautiful magic carpet ride embarking on a new life adventure together. This isn’t gonna be that kind of story. So go ahead and changed your perception of what kind of post this is going to be. This is going to be a raw post with my real feelings and fears. So please, don’t be to judgy. K?
After the premature birth of my son, Maverick, I remember thinking I wanted a do over. I wanted to immediately be pregnant again and get my second chance at a happy, healthy pregnancy. I had JUST entered my third trimester when I was diagnosed with severe preeclampsia. My son weighed 2lb 6oz. when he was born. At the very very beginning, my heart put up a wall. I thought there was no way he could make it. He’s just too small. It took a week or so for me to really begin attaching to him. My heart didn’t want to fall in love with him only to have him ripped away because he couldn’t thrive. All I could think about was my next pregnancy.
“NEXT TIME I will get to have a baby shower with a baby still inside me.” I thought. “NEXT TIME there will be maternity pictures and birthing classes. NEXT TIME I will have a healthy baby and no one will feel sorry for me.” I just kept thinking of next time. But then I began to mourn the pregnancy that ended too soon. I woke myself up crying. Sweating. Angry. I spent many nights hating myself, thinking there was something I could have done better to prevent this traumatic beginning for my sweet little boy. The longer I went no longer being pregnant, the less pregnant I wanted to be. I hated pregnancy. I was upset if I found out a friend was pregnant. I found it difficult to be happy for others that had a normal delivery and went home the next day. I was angry and bitter. It took me about a year to move past those feelings and to heal from that trauma.
Dusty and I had both agreed we wanted to start talking about another child when Maverick turned one. After a year of various therapies and illnesses our son had to endure, we decided we just weren’t ready. This parenting gig was TOUGH. WAY tougher than either of us imagined. The older he got the tougher it seemed. So we decided we would revisit the subject 6 months down the road.
Six months passed. Maverick began walking and talking and continued to bring us more joy than we could have ever imagined. He officially “caught up” and closed the developmental gap caused by prematurity. He completed all of his occupational therapy and speech therapy sessions. We got him in a new in-home daycare and we felt really good about things. So, we both agreed. Let’s try this again.
A Whole New World
I’m here to say that God has smiled on us and we are expecting a new bundle of joy in June of 2019! Am I excited? YES! Am I completely and utterly freaked out and terrified? YES! Everything (so far) is going according to plan. There is one factor that I didn’t even think about. How will this affect my son? How will he cope with a new brother or sister? As I rock him to sleep each night I cant help but wonder how much longer thing will be the same. Soon I won’t be able to carry him because either he’s to big or I’m too big. I won’t be able to rock him like I do now because my big belly will be in the way. Things will have to adjust even before the baby gets here. I can accept change, but that doesn’t mean I handle it well.
I am really scared. I know we will all be okay. God took great care of us last time and He will come through once again. With that being said, I ask of you, my friends and readers, that you please pray for me to have a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby and a smooth transition from a family of 3 to a family of 4.